I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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