He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
