Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
