decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
