Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
