If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
