He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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