CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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