I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
