I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
