I want to make a zoo with you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
