I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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