then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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