I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
