Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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