Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
