fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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