mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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