so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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