I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
