I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
