Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
