My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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