that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
