I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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