You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
