His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
