The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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