I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
