I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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