Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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