he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
