I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
