Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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