The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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