she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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