Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize