Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
