we're blogging at a bar
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
