Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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