Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
one might say we're banned from that church
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
