you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
