I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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