I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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