You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
