he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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