My sheets look like a crime scene.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
