I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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