I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
