I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
