Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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